Sunday, June 03, 2007

Everything In Its Place....or Not

Saturday was going as planned. The kids were watering the gardens and cleaning the rabbit hutches, Tom was cheerfully sanding the kitchen cupboards, and I'd accomplished the house cleaning plus most of the laundry.

"Whew, it's hot," I muttered as I grabbed a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen table for a hydrating break.

That's when I noticed that the washing machine looked like an alien space pod signaling the Mother Ship. The almost one year old washer has never given us a moment of trouble, but today, all the little green display lights were on at the same time, forming a furiously flashing dotted circle.

"Huh? What the heck.....?" I calmly wondered, setting my glass on the table, rising from my relaxed posture, and walking closer to the washing machine.

Since our day had been perfectly Zippity Doo Da, so far, with Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder, it was in mature, relaxed pragmatism that I formed my response to this oddity, rather than assume the worst and panic.

"I will get the owner's manual, look up troubleshooting, and fix the problem. Yes, for once I won't be impulsive, but will act like a responsible adult."

In rather smug confidence, I told those in listening distance to leave the washer alone, even though it looked excited. "I'm taking care of it."

Feeling quite in control of myself, I headed for the file box in the closet where I'd recently, carefully filed every single owner's manual for every single electronic or otherwise owned-thing which required a manual.

Leaning in and over the box, I pulled out the newest looking booklets, especially the ones still in their plastic sleeves for they looked to be the most promising. A packet for the dryer came up quickly, but not the washer. "Must be close, must be close." I pulled out a few more papers. "Hmmm. Still no washing machine information." I grabbed another bunch and looked through them. I found literature for the lawn-mower, VCR, DVD, microwave, TV, the OTHER TV, two remote-control manuals, and one for the jacuzzi bath-tub.

My grown-upness was wearing thin, but I took a deep breath. "It's in there. Have patience. No regrets." I roughly grabbed as many papers as my hand would hold, which was about all that was left in the file. I sorted through them, finding it increasingly annoying that I encountered at least twenty-three different languages while trying to sort these things out. "A Verizon phone manual, the Zen water-fountain instructions, a Sevylor raft manual (do we even HAVE that anymore?), the refrigerator, the range, the dishwasher."

"Grrrr.....Did it fall behind the box?" Beginning to lose it, right on the edge of the precipice, I grabbed the shoe boxes that were in the way and flung them to the side, hurled a pair of pants over my shoulder, along with a long-lost sandal, and another shoe. "Nope, nothing back here but an old Christmas card."

Barely restrained, I tapped the the foot-high pile of manuals into a neat stack, and one by one looked at each one. "Nope, nope, nope, nope.nope.nope! Aha!" I found two pieces of washing machine literature. One had several drawings and looked to be instructions for installing the machine, the other entitled Usage and Care had instructions on how to wash clothes.

"Okay. Now calm down. Here you go." Flipping through Usage and Care told me how to remove crayon, blood, perspiration, tea, dirt, wine, and grease. Nothing about the alien pod signaling the Mother Ship. The diagnostic paper DID have a small paragraph which stated that in the event that an error code is tripped, all the display lights will blink simultaneously. Should this occur see Troubleshooting, in the Usage and Care manual. "What? Okay, stay calm, you must have missed it, but you are on the right track." No Troubleshooting section was listed in the index, so, beginning with the front cover of Usage and Care, I methodically, snottily, turned each page in slow motion, reading in fast motion, only to reach the back cover and nope, not a word about green error lights, or little green men.

Then, I glanced at the one drawing of the washer in Usage and Care: it was of our old top-loading washer. The new one is a front-loader.

"This isn't even the right book!"

My head fell, chin to chest, shoulders sagged, and I think I whimpered at this point. Twice.

I am a very logical person. I always put things where they go. "WHERE IS IT!"

Meanwhile, Mother Ship is getting closer.

Convinced that the manual was not where it belonged, completely confused, frustrated beyond sanity, no longer a grown-up, I marched to the laundry room, teeth clenched, face red, sweat dripping from my brow, fists swinging at my side.

Poor Tom. He has such bad timing. Just as I got to the washing machine, the very moment my words began vomiting from my mouth, Mr. Innocent Bystander stepped from the peaceful backyard into the doorway of hell.

"I don't know where it IS!!" I shouted, arms flailing around like a psycho-conductor. Tom, eyebrows peaked in wonder and wanting to help, stepped closer, within a couple feet of me. Because I didn't want my anger to infect him, I mercifully warned, "Personal space! Personal space! It's three times as big as normal!" He stepped back. (Bad timing, yes, but no fool.)

In sheer frustration I told him, too loudly, head shaking too much, "I'm not mad at you! I'm venting! You are a wonderful man! But I cannot find the owner's manual for the......."

Just then I remembered something from a year ago. We'd put two manuals, one for the washer, one for the dryer, in the little basket above the washer, "So we can refer to them for help, since these machines are different from any we've ever owned." In this split second, in mid-rant, my hand reached out and grabbed the two manuals sitting like little know-it-all children, halos straight, noses in the air.

"GGRRRRROOOOWWWLLLL!"

We'd had a teeny-tiny power surge from using several electrical appliances and the air compressor at once, which set off the error message. Solution? "Press Stop twice to cancel the cycle. Begin a new cycle. If the problem recurs, call our service department at 1-800-URA-MORON!"

After following the instructions, the machine worked like a charm, though the weird sounds it usually makes sounded more like mocking laughter. The Mother Ship was averted. And I had another chance to practice, practice, practice dealing with my temper.

Calmness returned to the post which it never should have abandoned.

Though ultimately I failed, I failed better.

Try, try again.....

17 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

Gee, these new-fandangled washers, eh? Almost as bad as a computer!

You knew the answer...it was somewhere within you, you just had to access it. And you did, which is not a failure, it's a success.

I have gotten into the habit of putting all my owners manuals in my filing box for easy access. Ya never know when something is going to malfunction!

Marianne Elixir said...

I am still laughing...this so sounds like me and made me feel like I was there with you.
I'm glad you avoided the little green men.

deanna said...

Cherie, you masterful storyteller you. How I relate! And try to fail better next time. Good for you.

Cherie said...

Thanks for the encouragement, WC. I sure learned MY lesson - keep the manuals together NO MATTER WHAT! You're smarter than I am. Crazy washing machine.....

Elixer - so, you know what it's like to be a psycho, huh. Not a bad club - one that creates a lot of funny stories, that's for sure! Glad I made you laugh! I laughed while writing it, too.

And Deanna, I'm glad I failed better - took longer to get to 'that' point this time. WC has a good point that I did have the answer in my head and did figure it out - too bad I blew a gasket in the process. Thanks for the comment!

Ann said...

A perfect story-- all the right ingredients! Crazy machine, wary spouse, choked-back hysteria and an almost-too-late-to-enjoy-it happy ending. I loved it. And I'll be thinking of that phrase
"fail better" since that is usually my best hope.

Cherie said...

Well, thank you, Ann!

Deadmanshonda said...

Oh you poor thing!What I was so impressed with was that you kept searching for the directions....I would have just started messing with the thing till it blew up.;)Way to keep it funny and in perspective...

Cherie said...

And you should be impressed, Leisel, because NORMALLY I start punching buttons and fiddling and how many times have I jammed things up by doing that - just as you describe. That is why I was so determined to behave like a rational, patient grown-up, find the instructions, punch the correct buttons, and feel superior. Hmph. Didn't work. And a haughty spirit before a fall.......glad it worked out all right, though. Sheesh....

tshsmom said...

OK...I'm settling down here....wiping the tears from my hysterical laughter....
You just described ME!!

I HATE it when I know for certain where I put something, then it isn't there! I'm better at finding things when I haven't a clue where I put them.

I MUST remember that personal space line you gave poor Tom! L has a knack for walking in at the wrong moment too. In addition, my temper gets extremely short when I'm hot.

Sometime, I'll have to tell you the story of our 2 yr old dryer that died. ;)

liz crumlish said...

What a funny story. Thanks for sharing your humanity and giving us all something to live up to - that "failing better"!

Cassie said...

I remember that day..... After I heard the loud noises of you searching I decided the best coarse of action was to stay in my room with the door shut and light off. No need to get in the way! ; )

Funny story!

Cherie said...

tshs, let's hear the 2 year old dryer story!

L and Tom could probably tell all sorts of stories on us, crazy crazy us.

You are quite welcome, Liz. Glad you liked it!

Cassie, your mama didn't raise no dummies - you know when to be not seen OR heard, and you saved your bacon on Saturday by wisely staying off my path of fury. Thanks, kiddo! It was pretty funny, wasn't it, looking back.

IndianaJones said...

I sympathize although my organization is so bad that even though I keep everything, nothing is in one place. I probably would have torn my entire house apart searching for the shoe box with the washer and dryer info in it where I'm sure I put it along with the check stubs from 1999...no logic...that is my logic.

The story made me laugh and turn a shade of pink remembering all of the 'lost my temper why exactly?' moments in my life.

And "failed better" I'm so stealing that line on at least an occasion or two! thanks!

Cherie said...

Temper-losing is so embarrassing after the fact, I know what you mean. I always feel so stupid, but when I'm in the heat of it, so noble. Ha!

Thanks, Summer!

cecily said...

I probably shouldn't be laughing - but that was hilarious. I have a file of instructions but I'm a bit less patient. I just turn everything off - seems to do the trick for most things! When I turn them back on their little sleep has reset all their thought processes and all is well. Mostly!!! (And you mean I'm not the only one who gets carried away too quickly?!)

As to how cold it gets here... um, I'm delaying on answering cause I hate converting to Farenheit. Maybe the girls need to do that for a school assignment???!!!

We don't get it very, very cold like lots of the USA, but we think it's cold because summer is so warm! We sit below 10 Celsius (50 F) most days, but the wind chill factor is much lower since the wind blows off the snowy Tasmanian mountains. In summer we average about 25 C (77 F), which is quite pleasant. Though the summer average was significantly higher this year, and we've had a warm, warm autumn. Sigh. It rarely snows in Launceston, but the mountains around are oftened covered and you can do some (poor) skiing nearby. Does that cover it? Right now we're getting to about 54 F each day.

Stopping right now!

Anonymous said...

Cherie,
This was so funny. You were good to your husband for not taking his head off. I probably would have devoured mine and spit him out in shame! Then spent the week trying to make up for it.

Cherie said...

Cec- thanks a million for the climate description!! Ya done good.

Sandy, oh there have been times......... :-D