Tuesday, May 22, 2007


The funk continues.

There are sentiments one cannot post on a blog. Kindness dictates that the page remain empty.

Rock-heavy heart, swollen tear-ducts, unanswered questions.

To ask, "Why me?" isn't my way.

To ask, "How to process this?" that's my folly.

Strangers read words which cannot be shared with perpetrator loved ones.

What sort of madness is this?

"We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full."
~~~ Marcel Proust

If this is true, how shall I ever be healed?

God, have mercy.


Deadmanshonda said...

Oh dear Cherie, I am so sorry for your pain. When tides of tragedy crash onto us and nearly break all bones, remember-- there is still One who keeps watch with the light on. He's not far off...despite how it may feel. May truth flood the darker hollows of your heart and healing come in the morning.......

Ann said...

I can only say Yes to Leisel's comments.


Cherie said...

Leisel, your words..........you write as if you know......you do, don't you.......the crashing, bone breaking, suffocating darkness. Thanks for holding out the One - who is near, and is working in all of this - but still, oh my, going down for the third time....

And Ann, your tenderness combined with Leisel's ......life savers coming my way....God sent you both......perhaps the mercy is on its way. Hope!

Proust may, in fact, be wrong.

tshsmom said...

Email me if you need a shoulder!

liz crumlish said...

cherie, I feel impotent to be of any support - a familiar feeling for me. Yet I know the sheer value of being there. You share so many beautiful things. why should we desert you when you share the pain as well? want to be there for you- hope you can feel the embrace.

Cherie said...

tshs - I just may do that

Liz, Your embrace is felt, your support cherished, your friendship treasured.

How can this be, this blog world, full of love and compassion? A mystery. A wonderful, life-affirming mystery.

Humble thanks.

tshsmom said...

We're here.

Anonymous said...

Yes the blogging world full of people who really do care and don't need to intrude. Where is 20 20 now when there is light spread through cyberspace. Oh well, maybe it's better this way.

I am thinking of you Cherie and worried. Hoping the best for you.

IndianaJones said...

You will be healed, just may not be here, now or on this earth.
This feels raw and from my experiences raw is the beginning of whole.

As Solzhenitsyn said in his Commencement Address to Harvard;
"Must one point out that from ancient times a decline in courage has been considered the first symptom of the end?"
of course he is talking about the downfall of Western Culture...but it reminded me to take courage and in these times of complete lack of understanding courage seems to be a beacon to hold onto.
So, take courage and comfort Cherie in the fact that there are others of us out here struggling to do the same.

Marianne Elixir said...

I hurt for you knowing you ache. Thank you for your wisdom in the midst of such pain that "There are sentiments one cannot post on a blog. Kindness dictates that the page remain empty."
I think I have much to learn from you.

Cherie said...

Jaw-dropping awe, humility, amazement. There should be some mystical light flowing around these comment forums from the last two posts; this feels like holy ground to me. Such outpourings of compassion, love, support, understanding, encouragement. I am in awe - and I know that the common denominator among all of you, is God's spirit. "They'll know we are Christians by our love."

This reflection of God is deep truth - this is what we, as individuals, need to give and take - I prayed God would walk me through this, and he sent you, stranger/friends - mysterious ways.

As one in a tight circle of strength, experience, and courage, I hold onto each of you, and your wisdom and concern. I am not alone. You've shared my burden, and it is lighter. Much.

The problem is dimming in light of this glimpse of heaven. It felt like harm, but God meant it for good, perhaps to show me this, to show US this. I now have enough light for the next step, and the strength to take it.

Sandy, you are right, where is 20/20 now? And yes, it's better this way.

Summer, your Solzhenitsyn quote emboldens me, and knowing others are struggling puts things into perspective.

Elixer - it is I who have much to learn from you.

tshs - thank you so much for being there!

Thank you all......

Whew. I'm going to go face down on my bed and bawl for awhile.........this is no ordinary thing. You are all a part of something quite special here, I hope you know that. I surely do.

Anonymous said...

Your comments have been a great source of encouragement for Cherie, Thank You. It means a great deal to her, and she is going to be fine.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Leis...and may tomorrow bring more sunshine. :)

Cherie said...

Thanks, Tom and Desi! Today has brought more sunshine.......


Angela said...

i'm sorry for your hurting, and for hurting in silence. you are admirable and brave and generous in your privacy. i pray you blessings.

Cherie said...

Thanks, Angela. Hurting in silence is weird - to be sobbing and screaming on the deep-inside, but keeping it all together on the outside as life goes on and I don't want to hurt anyone or burden anyone for they can't help anyway - it's so personal, so inner, so ingrained and from another time. But I have to bear it alone, for now, maybe forever. Such big questions that need to lean against a tall, thick wall of some sort of sense, yet.....where is the wall?

Again, thanks for your kind concern.

Angela said...

i've been thinking a lot lately about all those nights i would get in my car and drive and cry and shout. i always put god in the seat beside me and let her know exactly what i thought of her allowing me to lose so much, so quickly, and so beyond my control. i ended up beside a lake one night and fell apart into that awful, loud, animal-like crying noise that i'm sometimes diminished to when words fail. after that, the lake became a sort of grieving ground, and i would drive out to it after holding it together all day, and cry, or talk to god, or just sit and think.

the little i can tell of you from reading your writing is that you are a wise, kind, intelligent woman. where ever your pain comes from, i hope you allow yourself to grieve your losses and take the time to create new and sacred spaces in those broken and frightening places.

peace, sister.

Cherie said...

"...take the time to create new and sacred spaces in those broken and frightening places."

This is helpful advice, Angela. I'm going to ponder what you wrote here. This makes sense. I am deeply touched at your reaching out to me.

I'm sad that you - that anyone - has to go through such inexpressible pain, but there must be a reason.

I don't go to the lake, but I take walks, and I bawl in the shower, and I lie in bed next to Tom and cry, and he strokes my hair, and together we wonder where this pain will all end, or if it ever will. He understands, but is powerless to help, except to listen, love, and hurt with me, which is quite a big burden he shares. I hate to place it on him, or anyone else.

Thank you, sister. It means a lot.