Here I sit poised to write a pithy post about a woman who is wreaking havoc in my social life, the life of my kids, my friends, my associates.But the girls are playing The Beatles.
"All you need is love."
"Give peace a chance."
"Have you heard? The word is love."
Where's Mean Mr. Mustard when you need him?
I want to defend. I want justice.
How can I feel this passionate frustration and at the same time find I don't have it in me to sustain a fight? I want peace most of all. So uncomfortable feeling this way. Awful.
She called me at home. I haven't spoken personally with her before today. Things are done in meetings and over e-mail. And in her case behind backs.
Suffice to say I am not Jesus but I think she may be the devil. Got it? I do feel like there is an evil presence that dwells in and around her, a presence that provokes anger, upset, and confusion. Sound familiar? She lies. She manipulates. She's mean. She's selfish. She's insecure. She's unhappy.
She's not like the rest of the people in my life. She's, well, let's be nice and say she's 'special.' (Yeah, Cherie, you pretty much called her Satan in the last paragraph, and now you say you're being nice to call her 'special.' Sheesh. "Twist and Shout!!")
What is her family-life like? Her past? What sort of sadness has she endured? What kind of pain? Who has failed her?
Wouldn't it be horrible to live like that? Yes. Yes it would. I forgive her.
And I want to choke her.
And so do a lot of other people. "Shake it shake it shake it, baby, now!"
While I am feeling a simmering turbulence there is something inside that reminds me that we all do ugly things. Important to remember that. She's me. She's you. "Try to realize it's all within yourself, no one else can make you change."
No, she's worse! She's Mean Mrs. Mustard, just a selfish, mean woman.
Now now, she's human and she's hurting somewhere just as you, I tell myself. Be angry at the sin.
See? Conflict. "I read the news today, oh boy."
Time to put my beliefs into practice.
"I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside, oh yeah. I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide, oh no. Oh no. Yeah YEAH!"
While I struggle I must remember it's important that I fight the good fight, not the bad fight. Giving in to my baser instincts - the choking - would be wrong. Struggling to quit feeling that way is right. "Seek peace and pursue it." Not a Beatles' lyric, that one. Someone wiser.
For now, well, "I am the walrus."
2 comments:
Wow Cherie, I don't envy you at all. I think I may have even been where you are. The trick is standing up to the 'abuse' in a way that is noble and right (because letting them get away with it is not just bad for you and everyone else, but also bad for them), but not getting sucked into the game and not resorting to the tactics of the dark side. Ha - that is a trick. Not an easy task! Will ask God to help you step carefully through this one such that the problem is addressed without you crushing as you are crushed. Peace to you and be with you!
Thanks, Cecily. I appreciate that you affirm to me that I need to not let her get away with it. This is my line of thinking, too. It's seems to have fallen to me to speak for the timid who are being abused. I can do it. I have words. Here you said it perfectly - I mustn't crush while I myself and people I care about are indeed being crushed. Must use my power wisely. It's easy to go unrestrained into battle and decimate a person. Much harder to restrain myself, think it through, and respect the person regardless of her behavior.
Thank you for the prayers - they are perfect. I do need the grace and wisdom to step carefully.
Thank God today has dawned sunny blue and the troubles have retreated for now. They await me in the near future but I will embrace this day and let God refill me with whatever I need to face the battle.
You are such a good help to me, Cecily, and a wonderful friend!
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