I'm back. My blog hiatus was short lived, eh. I'm a woman - I'm allowed to be fickle.
A dramatic, life-changing moment shocked me this weekend. My evil was presented to me undeniably, clearly, jarringly, third-person speaking to me, about me, no tree to hide behind, oh my. Talk about a mirror held up before a face. Just what I needed and prayed for. Hurt like hell. Really and truly and pardon the French. (The French get blamed for everything!)
Like a painful birth really or maybe the lancing of a boil. A huge boil. Out oozes the evil for all to see, especially me. My shame felt squirmingly, wrenchingly.
Forgiveness. Starting over with a new mindset, outlook, perspective. Sometimes it takes experience - decades worth - to lay down the situation undeniably. Discomfort. Pain. There it is. Look at it. Feel it. Know it. Helpless to stop on my own because the process wasn't complete. I had to have a pronouncement from someone I trust, someone much wiser than I, someone not in the thick of this - this - this thing that I do.
And pronounce he did.
And there was a loud CLICK in my head. "I get it. Ick. I totally get it. Ugly. Why do I do it? Doesn't matter. No more. What a jerk I have been."
Understanding is the beginning of wisdom is the beginning of repentance, contrition, and change.
Wasn't hard to quit once the full smack-down landed on me with a full body-blow.
Relief. For all of us.