Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Changing with the Seasons

I'm back. My blog hiatus was short lived, eh. I'm a woman - I'm allowed to be fickle.

A dramatic, life-changing moment shocked me this weekend. My evil was presented to me undeniably, clearly, jarringly, third-person speaking to me, about me, no tree to hide behind, oh my. Talk about a mirror held up before a face. Just what I needed and prayed for. Hurt like hell. Really and truly and pardon the French. (The French get blamed for everything!)

Like a painful birth really or maybe the lancing of a boil. A huge boil. Out oozes the evil for all to see, especially me. My shame felt squirmingly, wrenchingly.

Forgiveness. Starting over with a new mindset, outlook, perspective. Sometimes it takes experience - decades worth - to lay down the situation undeniably. Discomfort. Pain. There it is. Look at it. Feel it. Know it. Helpless to stop on my own because the process wasn't complete. I had to have a pronouncement from someone I trust, someone much wiser than I, someone not in the thick of this - this - this thing that I do.

And pronounce he did.

And there was a loud CLICK in my head. "I get it. Ick. I totally get it. Ugly. Why do I do it? Doesn't matter. No more. What a jerk I have been."

Understanding is the beginning of wisdom is the beginning of repentance, contrition, and change.

Wasn't hard to quit once the full smack-down landed on me with a full body-blow.


And then...ahhhh.

Relief. For all of us.


tony said...

Welcome Back Cherie.Yes.It's the hardest thing in The World To See Ourself.Thats Why We Need Other People.
Bestest Wishes

Cherie said...

Thanks, Tony! You're so wise - hit the nail on the head in fewer words. Best wishes to you, too, and hope your tooth and head are feeling better.

Momentary Madness said...

First let me say sorry for being a stranger.
A life changing experience you say. I know the feeling- shocking but liberating. I have found it to be (if you’re lucky enough to be open enough) changing an ongoing shocking experience. I feel I could not live long enough to come to know what there is to know about ourselves. I suppose that is one very good reason to be talking to the self (God if you like) constantly seeking the light, and asking forgiveness for being blind to it.
Ah, coming here to your blog is refreshing. I sense the good vibes. I have to visit more often.