Penetrating Gaze

This week I sat in a small classroom in the midst of ten students who were listening to their teacher go over their lesson for the week. With lesson books on their laps and pencils in hand they appeared absolutely willing to learn and participate. Heads up, eyes on the teacher, attentive.

Until the teacher asked a question, and paused for answers.

Down went the heads, pencils were squeezed in terror, movement ceased, and breathing paused. Stillness. The teacher's caustic eyes slowly scanned the cranium of each kid. "Well?"

Seriously, do kids really believe that invisibility occurs if they look to their laps and hold their breath in such situations? Apparently so, because, as we can attest, we've attempted the same thing over and over again, in classrooms all over the world. Some kid somewhere must have achieved transparency because we all retain hope!

It's easy. Hide your eyes. Pretend you are otherwise occupied in a studious endeavor. Fake thoughtfulness, ummmmmm......"Please please please..... do NOT pick me!" chants your silent inner voice.

Why? Why not answer the question? Because we didn't do our lesson and don't know the answer? Because we are afraid we'll look stupid, or worse, like a geek for having an answer?

Sheesh.

It got me to thinking. Don't we adult human beings do sort of the same thing when it comes to God? We, who claim to be believers in Jesus Christ, know that we live in a broken world, that we ourselves are broken, and that there is much reason to seek spiritual understanding. Yet, when we think about God's penetrating gaze upon us, we freeze, we look down, we dummy-up hoping to keep God's eyes off of us. Why?

"Busy now, God. Maybe later," is one excuse for no response.

By that we may mean that we will be busy putting him on hold for most of our lives until we experience fear when facing our mortality at which time we'll expect him to comfort us with soothing thoughts of heaven and a pain free afterlife.

Or maybe we will keep busy learning ABOUT the truth, without ever acknowledging that our lives are to be lived in the light of it. The ability to converse about God may convince us that we are his. "Just, God, don't ask anything of me. I'm busy learning about you. Don't look at me. You make me nervous."

Or maybe, just maybe we misunderstand that penetrating gaze. We think it actually does somehow miss us. Yes, it flashes right past us onto our neighbors! Thus we spend our lives ministering to our neighbors, revealing to them their sins, teaching them 'a way', when in actuality, we may be more lost than they. The blind leading the blind. "I'm busy serving you, God. I'll deflect that stern questioning look of yours. I'm sure it's meant for someone else. I'm already saved."

For God's children it is a fearsome thing to come under the gaze of the almighty God. We cringe and shrink in shame when his holiness is viewed through our sinful eyes. But we know that working out our salvation with fear and trembling requires regular inspection. And answers. For growth to continue we must look up. Avoidance will not do. Thankfully, the Father's gaze is coupled with irresistible goodness which compels true believers to lift their faces in sober response to their uncompromising Creator, no matter how unsettling the experience.

Oh, for lifelong courage to meet his gaze, to experience the hurt of the Truth as well as the relief.

"Stare on, oh loving God, your disintegrating stare. In you lie all hope and meaning."

Home

"Fight to remember what is big and important amidst all the distractions in life."

"God is very serious about what's going on in our lives, more so than we are. We get caught up in trivia, but the reality goes much deeper than the temporal life here."

"How we live now is directly linked to what we believe about the future."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found these quotes in my notebooks. Don't know the authors for certain, but know the sentiments to be true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My breath quickens as I contemplate the first quote. It's a continuing theme for me, to keep pure and on track, or to try to anyway. It's so hard! Too many distractions, some of which are disguised as 'important things.' I think it's the word FIGHT that snaps my mind to attention. Fight. Struggle. Persevere. Be determined, and even get mad.

Because as the second quote suggests, God is more serious than I am about what's going on in my life. Reality IS deeper than the nonsense that captures my awareness. But I want to be serious! So, back to the first quote; I fight for it, fight to know the truth, and fight to drink the cup of truth rather than have it sit on my table in a clean lovely glass, undisturbed. For it is not enough to know; it is everything to experience, to partake, to engage - to believe. Drink.

And I strive to live this way why? Because I know the future is BIG. It's beyond what I know here. The haze of distraction will be gone and visible at last will be the Truth we believers struggle toward. Today we are privy to bits and pieces, but there is more. Hungering, thirsting, we fight, we strain, we grope in the dark, and slowly, s l o w l y, God's finger raises the curtain of haze just a little, to allow another lying on your belly scrunching your open eye under the hem peek. Those tiny glimpses fuel the urge. I want more. No, I need more.

Home. I long for home.

Sound of Silence

"Men go abroad to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering." ~~ St. Augustine

The snow is melting after surviving a week here in the valley. Yep, it snowed last Thursday and today's sun is calling the water back up into the heavens, to go snow on some of you! Enjoy it. We sure have.



When it snows here it gets -- quiet. Pleasant, peaceful, muffled quiet.

As a hard of hearing person, I find it quizzical that I covet quiet. But I do. Quiet for me is different from quiet for those blessed with keen hearing. Hearing with my ears would sound quiet to you, it would probably be frightening. It's all I've known. Noises annoy me. Noises like traffic - grrr. And thumping, booming stereos in cars and houses. An idling car will test my temper like nothing else. I've learned how to breathe through it and stay calm. Took awhile. Never did run out the front door in my jammies waving a baseball bat with the intention of smashing the windshield, though I battled the urge enough times.

Anyway, yeah, the snow just muffled everything. Walks were peaceful because traffic was so very light. It was like walking in the woods - almost. People smiled, laughed, talked to one another. Camaraderie. Refreshing.

And quiet. I relaxed deeply like I do when we go up to the cabin.

How I enjoy my silent world at times.

There are many imperfections in the human race. Lousy hearing is only one of them. As with anyone who has a physical hardship, there is an upside. For me, it's silence, the realm of quiet, for it is there that distractions depart, thoughts flow freely, and I can contemplate deeply.

Until the neighbor starts his car in the morning, warming it up, for FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

Clive, Jewel, and JD

"God, overcome us that, so overcome, we may be ourselves." ~~ C. S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

"We are half-hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambitions and religious effort when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." ~~ C. S. Lewis

"Growing up is not the absence of dreaming.
It's being able to understand the difference between the dreams you can hold
and the ones that you've been sold." -- Jewel

"Dreaming won't fit in a cage." ~~ John Denver
---------------------------------
Imperative for me to constantly contemplate. Several, singular, and all at once.

Journal Entry - August 2001

Fresh words still evade me today. How about some old words?

In perusing a journal I've been keeping off and on for years, I found this entry which sparked a warm memory of a time in my life when something magical transpired.

This written record is unedited, unpolished, and unsophisticated. Copy and Paste. But it means the world to me.

August 17, 2001

At bedtime tonight, Cassie, referring to my prayers where I implore God to teach us to listen to Him asked, "How do you know what He's saying, Mommy? Can you HEAR a voice?"

Ah, I answered to her, God talks to me in many many ways. Sometimes through the Bible, or through other things I'm reading. Sometimes through memories or impressions or the behavior of other people. Through nature. And often, God speaks to me through the words and love of other people. "For example, Cassie, for years and years I've been lonely. I prayed to God for someone who would understand me. When I was a kid there was no one who really understood, who would let me lay my head on their shoulder and would just sit there, knowing how I felt, comforting me by their understanding."

I'd had a rough time with Tom earlier that day, and Cassie was very in tune with my struggle to sort it all out, as I sat on the big stump outside and just pondered and prayed. Tom tried to get me to "snap out of it," which is NOT what I needed. Joe asked what was wrong and was uncomfortable. No one likes it when Mom is quiet and thoughtful and unsettled.

But Cassie, after Tom went to work, came over and looked at me and sat down next to me.....right next to me. I just instinctively laid my head on her shoulder, and there was enormous comfort in that. She just sat there, knowing it was what I needed, and she offered it to me for as long as I needed. She's nine.

For decades I've prayed for someone to know me. All this time I've found my comfort in the invisible God. But I've still longed for a human's physical understanding. No, Tom doesn't do it for me. He tries. He loves me. But his efforts are often clumsy and forced. He, like a lot of men, doesn't know how to just be there and to listen, how to express himself. He just wants me well and back in control. Sometimes I just need to be a mess. And for the first time in my life, someone, Cassie, let me be a mess, without words, and I drew strength from her.

Well, as I continued answering her question about God's voice, I told her how God used her that day to speak His love and comfort to me. You should have seen her precious face! She appeared surprised, and honored, and it was as if she knew she'd entered into the holy, on God's behalf. We hugged and I tucked her in and we kissed, and I turned out the light. Caroline had fallen asleep already, breathing peacefully and heavily.

I went in to get dressed for bed myself, feeling really warm and loved and I was praying, thanking God for those little girls, and for the boys and for Tom and for how we all fit together and how we all are part of the plan for each other and for God. Cassie came in, softly, after knocking.

"Mommy, I was just thinking about what you said. Mommy, I was thinking how the thing that you never had when you were a girl, is the thing you have the most of now, and the thing that you give to all of us."

Her face didn't look like the face of a nine year old at that moment. It was the face of a messenger of God. We hugged. We transcended time and space, in that moment. We were kindred spirits, not a mother and daughter, a 45 year old and a 9 year old. We were creatures of God, meant for each other and for God, and it was beautiful. I told her that perhaps because I had a hole in my heart it made me a better Mommy, because I sure didn't want MY kids to ever have to feel that awful empty feeling. I told her I remember vividly how it feels to be a kid. I told her how I'd prayed for decades for someone to understand, and that I realize now, that she, my little Cassie, is the answer to that oft-repeated prayer!

At last, I have someone who understands! Someone who thinks as I do. I am nine again, and I can start all over, this time without the emptiness.

Never ever believe that God doesn't hear your prayers. He listens, and His timing is perfect. And the answers you await for your whole life appear quietly, on a summer's day, in the midst of the world's busyness, during the separate struggles of a mother and a daughter. Those answers appear, as we listen and make room.

Thank God for your struggles! They are the means for your heart to open up and listen and search intently, and they are the bearers of great blessing. Give them time.

January 2007 - Nuttin' Much to Say

Sam's got the right idea!

My inner child begs my outer adult to follow the pup's example.

Always honor the inner child.....

Heavy-lidded yawning carefree January.

Waking Joy

“We may say to ourselves, one day these souls of ours will blossom into the full sunshine, when all that is desirable in the commonness of daily love, and all we long for of wonder and mystery, and the look of Christmastime will be joined in one, and we shall walk as in a wondrous dream, yet with more sense of reality than most of our waking joy now gives us.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~ George MacDonald

Of Darkness, Candles, and Snow

You may have heard on the news about our Major Storm yesterday. Major Storm - sounds like a cartoon character, or a weatherman. Anyway, yes, it was a doozy!

A little after six o'clock we watched the trees begin to sway, and twist, and full-on watusi. Soon, debris was rolling and tumbling down the street: air filled plastic bags, huge unstowed garbage cans, and branches that had been torn from their limbs. Our trees lost a few smaller branches, nothing dangerous. This, for our area, is quite a significant distraction from the norm. Unusual weather gives us a buzz.

Around six thirty the power went out, right in the middle of It Takes a Thief, that show on Discovery with the two hunky reformed thieves who teach people about security by trashing their homes and robbing them blind. (Did that grumpy guy EVER get over Jon taking his classic 'vette?) Yep, the power flickered, went out, nope back on, nope out, yes, uh huh, okay, yyeeaaah .......it's gone.

When the power goes out here you pretty much just sit there for a moment or two because it usually comes back on. Not last night. We sat. We watched. I went outside. I'm getting over my cold, but not there yet. Still, I sat on the porch to watch the darkness. Don't worry, warm temperatures and thick clothes protected me. The kids made sure of it. All their hard work getting me well was not to be undone by a stupid dark-watching session.

While sitting on the porch I witnessed a few blasts and flashes of transformers blowing. Startling. Several blocks were out of power, cars began to drive slower down the street, people began to leave their homes. (Hmm, good time for a home robbery; yes, I watch too much TV.) It was peaceful. "I need to see how far and wide this outage goes," so the girls and I hopped into the car and drove around, just as the sideways downpour began, making the wipers' high speed seem like low/intermittent. Street lights were out, yet patient politeness ruled the night. Sweet! How odd to have a black hole in front of me while driving these familiar roads, when I'm used to being able to see all the way down the street due to street and house lights. Just weird. Like driving a country road - but we're in town!

Home again. Sitting there. Looking at each other. Quiet. Candles and oil lamps burning. How many times did Cassie go into the kitchen, flip the light switch, sag her shoulders, and sigh? We lost count. Habit supersedes cognizance. Words began to come. Quiet words of reminiscence, teasing, giggles, laughter. Togetherness in blankets. Peace settling in. Three hours and counting. This isn't so bad.

The winds continued to rip down the street and howl over the house. Through our large living room window I lazily kept my eyes on the silhouetted outdoor scene, when, what to my wandering eyes doth appear, but a sky-filling dark lime green glow, descending curtain-like, intensifying, wavering, shimmering, and eventually snaking away.

Huh? Wha??? Did you see that? What WAS that?? "Oh, Mama, you are so faking; you're trying to scare us."

"No, she's still hallucinating.....," snorts Joe.

"No, I'm not!! It was there....it....flashed.....lime green.....the ENTIRE EASTERN SKY!"

Jabbering, I returned to the porch. A few moments later, there it was again, more northerly. And later, it came again, only reddish. The girls witnessed these flashes.

Vindication - snort.

My computer brain began to decode what I'd seen. It remembered an article on The Drudge Report about a solar storm currently taking place, a big one, which was having its effect on the Earth.

Land Sakes! I think I saw the Northern Lights!! Aurora Borealis!!

Snap!!

To see the Aurora Borealis with my own eyes has long been high on my list of Things To Do Before I Die.

It was gloriously frightening. It was as awesome, startling, and as ethereal as I'd hoped. Maybe even more so because it was a mystery for several minutes.

Thank you, Matt Drudge, wherever you are.

Thank you Mother Nature for your storm.

Thank you God for all of the above.

And thanks, power fixing dudes, for restoring our lights, just in time for bed.

Morning has brought hail, sleet, snow - and blue sky sunshine. Buzz!

It really is the simple things in life.



Good photos of Aurora Borealis - these July 22, 2004 photos show pretty much what I saw last night, as far as color and form. Amazing to me to learn that these lights are visible to those of us in the Lower 48 all year long, but for the light pollution of the city which obliterates them from view. Thanks to God for his gift of good timing last night, which allowed me a magnificent blessing!

Turmoil

Unsought.
Invading - threatening - dark.
Bullying, heedless.
Rude.

Obligation? Response?
Gentleness earns bluster.
Kindness earns rant.
Then greets now.

Abandon hope?
Close doors, lock, bolt?
End, finito, enough?
I precede you? When?

Why repetition?
Kowtow, submit, capitulate. No.
Spoiled child, spoiled adult.
Fools dismiss wisdom.

Bleak situation
Demands strong will, heart.
"Enough light for the next step, Lord.
Just enough for one, more, step."

~~~~~ Ethan Itia, poet



It's been a rough day.



(Before you go there, no, it's not Tom or the kids. Something menacing this way comes.)

Christmas Cookies and Cheerful Children

Merry Christmas!!

Cassie (green teeth) and Caroline (red teeth) made these cookies while Christmas Carols filled the house, the Christmas Spirit energized all, and the scent of cookies wafted, yes wafted, up our noses driving us batty - GIVE ME SOME!!!!

Sweet Contentment

I had one of those moments today, you know the kind, where your body pulses with pink faced contentment. Oh my goodness.

Joe showed me a paper he had written for an art class at Gutenberg College. Marked with glowing comments from his tutor, and a circled capital 'A', the paper painted such a vivid picture that my blood warmed and my mouth turned up in a smile. The insights, the sophistication, the simplicity stopped my breath in my throat. It was great.

Then I thought about my other kids, and my husband, and the things they do which amaze me. Maybe they aren't grand world-changing things, but to me, they are marvelous.

Caroline made a batch of dinner rolls using one of Emeril's recipes and they beat any rolls I've ever made! They are ready for the Thanksgiving table. Such satisfaction, yet nonchalance. Hmmm. No big deal to her. She can do anything. I've always told her so.

Cassie can grow pumpkins, cut 'em up, cook 'em, squish 'em, and bake them up in pies that rival anything anyone's ever tasted, and I'm serious. She makes it look easy.

Ben sails with glee, abandon, and confidence. He takes beautiful photos that make me cry. He paid for and graduated college, manages a household full of young adults, works a full-time job, enjoys outdoor life in Oregon, and still has time for us, his family.

Tom never stops learning. He honestly believes he can fix or build anything on this house and he DOES. Anything. He amazes me, when I'm not taking him for granted.

Joe, yes, he writes beautifully. Like Ben, he pushes his boundaries outward, outward, outward, never settling, always seeking. Why, this spring the boy up and flew to England on his own just because he'd always dreamed of such a thing. Now he attends Gutenberg College where finally, after years of not finding his niche, he's found a place that matches his curiosity, a place which does not disappoint. He's working hard, full of energy, getting excellent grades. Purpose makes all the difference.

And then I think of me, the mom to these kids, the wife of Tom, and I am astonished and humbled at what has taken place in our lives in the last quarter century. To most it would seem like nothing. No big house. No new cars. No big paychecks, no nice clothes, nor celebrity. But to me, it is living, real living. Living that challenges, that satisfies. Simplicity. Mindfulness. It fits, and I like it.........today.

Grace of God.

Emptiness

"Sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand."




~-~- Paul Newman in, "Cool Hand Luke" ~-~-

Fifteen Years

It was fifteen years ago today that Cassie came into this world, a curious, quiet, pink, pretty baby. My dad quickly named her, "The Most Beautiful Baby in the World!" She didn't have the usual misshapen head or discoloring, and she wasn't squalling. She was peaceful and her little eyes were wandering all around the room, though I'm told babies can't see very well. I am certain she had no idea how to interpret her vision. She seemed to be curiously trying to understand!

All I could do was cry and say quietly, "I have a daughter...wow."

"Thank you, God," was my prayer. Still is.

On that night, fifteen years ago, Tom, the boys, and I watched the World Series from my comfy hospital room, with Cassie in a small bassinet by the bed. The boys were ON the bed, drinking pop. Cassie was perfect! We went home that evening and slept soundly - all five of us. Excited and content, all at once.

I was PARTICULARLY content, as I'd suffered for several days with pneumonia, the coughing from which snapped a rib. Yep, I had a nearly full term baby inside, a broken rib, and a vicious cough, when here comes the onset of labor just as I was getting into bed for the night! It was a magical night........all night. It really was.

Cassie decided to remain in her comfy womb-home, to sleep the night off. She graciously let me sleep, too, in the hospital. No gymnastics that night. She was calm. In the late morning labor was induced, and in the afternoon Cassie was gently born. Such a relief for her.....and for me. The pneumonia abated. The rib slipped back into place to painfully grieve me no more. My pants fit again, and I felt TERRIFIC!!

My family of four had grown to a family of five with the birth of our beautiful healthy little girl......

......who's turned into a wonderful daughter, still curious, still pretty, and still a JOY!

Birthdays are fabulous reminders of our roots, our journey, our progress - and the mercies of God!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TMBBITW, Cassie! (That's for you, Pam!)









P.S. Here's a picture of Cassie with her birthday cheesecake. What you can't hear is our off-key rendition of Happy Birthday to YOUUUU!! We had a perfect day!

Rising Above

"A secret of love is not voicing negative emotions, but waiting for calmness to return to its post. One who is upset perceives few things with clarity, though Emotion parade itself in the garb of revelation. Calm the heart: Only by so doing can you perceive things as they really are." ~~ J. Donald Walters

"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." ~~ Eleanor Roosevelt


These concepts simmer in my mind and heart, hopefully to settle in, and join........ Me.

Bestest Friends

The first weekend of September Tom, Cassie, Caroline, and I rented a white PT-Cruiser and drove up to Olympia where we spent the night after snooping around the Capitol buildings, climbing up the steps, and marveling at the hugeness of the pillars and buildings. We were in Washington for a reason: HEIDI, STEPH, and NICK!!

Heidi and I have been friends for years, meeting on-line during my e-Bay years. She lives in Connecticut, but her daughter, son-in-law, and adorable grandson live in Washington. Heidi came out last summer to visit Steph and family, and we got to meet face to face for the first time in Portland! Such a blast!

And here, in 2006, we were about to have another close encounter of the exuberant kind!

We spent a good part of the day together, visiting Steph's comfy home, touring the Navel Museum, and eating lunch in Poulsbo. We met Nick for the first time. At seven months old he is the happiest baby we've ever beheld! You can't help but smile when you are around him.



See how jolly he is?!?!




Here we are eating lunch by the harbor of the Puget Sound. Blue sky, warm temperatures, great company, and terrific food made for a lovely lingering shared meal.










Steph took us to the Navel Submarine Museum. It was loaded with fascinating things, not the least of which were the control panels that one could pretend to manuever a sub with. Here Caroline and Heidi are deep into the fantasy! They were cracking me up!

The museum had displays of torpedos which Tom found quite fascinating. It was a great hands-on and educational place, and we all had a really fun time there.
















I miss you, Heidi! Can't wait to see you again!

September Sailing and Retreat

It's been a few weeks since I made a new entry, so here goes. This will be short - yeah yeah, heard THAT before!

This is the first weekend I've been home for both days in a month! Feels like a vacation!

Cassie and I joined my sister, Janet, and my mom for a retreat at Cannon Beach Christian Conference Center. It was very relaxing and totally fun. Been a long time since I've spent a good amount of time with my sister. As always, we still finish each other's sentences and have inside jokes foreign to everyone else. Pretty cool.

The first picture is of Cassie, Mom, and me at the whale statue that graces the courtyard near the beach.
















The first thing we do when we arrive at the Conference Center is to walk to Bruce's Candy Kitchen in downtown Cannon Beach, just a block away. Cassie and I made our purchases; treats for the family left behind. You can see Janet back there shopping.























Cassie on the beach with the beautiful sky and sunshine on the water surrounding her.














Janet and Cassie stop and pose after walking on the beach. That's the conference center behind them, in fact, it's the building where we stayed.
























Cassie had some time to practice her karate on the beach. That's Haystack Rock in the background which dominates the beach for miles. A gorgeous place! Cassie said the beach was an unusual surface for kata work - shifting sands.














This sign says, "Tsunami Evacuation Route" and we had some fun with it.

























Another weekend was spent helping Tom's mom, Nita, clear away some clutter from her garage. Tom did some household repairs for her as well. We filled up the back of her van with bagged and boxed garbage which we hauled to the dump. A widow for nearly two years, she is finding home maintenance to be a bit beyond her abilities. She lives 100 miles away from us, so depends on local friends and neighbors for help. We go down to lend a hand when our differing schedules permit. She's very busy with social crafts and activities, always on the go. Good that she is active!

Here Tom wearily tosses the contents of this tiny wooden box, the last thing in the van to throw into the dump. We kept the box for Nita as it was old and cool.









Rocky is Nita's little bat-faced, hyper-active, maniacally-licking, jumping-on-you yappy best friend. It took Tom and I about 10 tries to get the dog still enough to snap his picture. I ended up deleting several photos of his retreating hind end. Love digital cameras!














One Sunday afternoon was spent sailing with Ben and Sarah. Ben learned to sail a few years ago and LOVES it! He gave us a wonderful afternoon/evening. Tom, Cassie, Caroline, and I were taught the ropes, literally, by Ben and Sarah. A gorgeous autumn sunset kissed us good-night and we left the lake in the tranquilty that only a warm twilight can offer.

Here Caroline, Ben, and Cassie are at the helm steering us to a peaceful place........lovely day.......













This is Caroline relaxing to the sound of the water while on the bow.














Ben and some colleagues are starting up a photography business. Here he's craning his body around to get a good sunset photo. He's quite talented, if I do say so myself.













A pensive Tom completely relaxed after several hours of sailing and enjoying the day.














I've got a gazillion photos but will only put a few on here.

Enjoy!

Ducks play Arizona today - Go Ducks! (First game of the season that Tom and I get to watch together!)

More later!

Black Belt

Cassie began taking karate lessons five years ago when she was nine, almost ten. She's one month shy of fifteen now. Karate was a passion from the very beginning, one that never wavered. She has worked hard, had a blast, and enjoyed nearly every minute of her lessons. She's made wonderful friends.

On Saturday, September 9, 2006, Cassie tied her brown belt on for the last time here at home, nervous as could be for her black belt test. I drove her to the dojo, kissed her good-bye while wishing her luck, and sat in the car.......waiting.......with Tom......no one is allowed to watch the test...........only testers and the tested and judges...............nerves!

Cassie's black belt partner and coach, Nick, came out before Cassie did and told us that she did, "Wonderful!" (Thanks, Nick! You're the BEST!!) The results weren't tallied, yet, and we'd have to wait another hour or so. Nail biting.

Tom and I went to have breakfast out while we waited. Cassie stayed with her group and listened to a pep talk and whatnot.

Finally, it was her turn to go in for results. A few minutes later, smiling the biggest grin ever, running rapidly down the cement steps, Cassie raced for our car where we were waiting. "I PASSED!!!!" she squealed as Tom grabbed her up in an embrace and twirled her around off her feet. Then, she hugged me so hard I nearly suffocated, but that's okay! I'm thrilled! A few of her friends tested and passed as well, so there was much jubilation in the parking lot and all around.

Afterwards we came home and had a hot dog roast over our backyard campfire, something Cassie loves to do. Then, she and a bunch of her karate friends went to see Lady in the Water. After THAT, at nearly eight o'clock, Joe took Cassie out to the Sushi Station for a promised dinner. "You get your black belt, I'll take you for sushi!" She'd never eaten it before, and ate 5 or 6 rolls, but says it must be an acquired taste. Yup.

Tom and I looked at each other at day's end and said in amazement, "Huh. We are parents of a black belt." (Tom is a brown belt. This has inspired him to "go for it" this next school year. He'll have to earn two more brown belt levels, then, test for black belt. It'll take more than a school year, but he can do it. Cassie says she'll coach him at home and during class.)

As the dust of an exciting day settled, Cassie said she doesn't feel any different except that now she senses that she's in some kind of elite place - with black belts. It IS a special place, Cassie, and you deserve to be there! You did it!

There is a one year wait before confirmation which requires a confirmation test and several service type experiences, such as judging and assisting.

And now, as her sensei says, "The learning begins."

Age is a State of Mind

I have a few pet peeves, and one that has been drilling on my last nerve from several sources lately is people who declare they are old based on the number of years they live, and then, begin to act OLD, talk OLD, and expect, no DEMAND, special treatment because they are OLD. Some of these people are younger than I am!! Good grief. You know the type, every conversation has at least one, "When you get to be my age.....bla bla bla." Or, "Now that I'm old....."

I know several people who are 80 years old or more and they have never thought in their minds that they are old. I like to believe they never will. They haven't stopped. They aren't sentimentally looking at grandkids while anticipating their own deaths, weepy eyed, keeping track of gray hairs, wrinkles, and skin conditions. They are vital, creative, joyful people who take their physical aches and pains in stride, working to minimize the effects of age through exercise, right eating, creativity, and a positive in-control outlook. These people don't let the doctor tell them how they feel - they tell the doctor!

I think of Uncle Floyd, spending his 80th birthday with his son, Denny, in Alaska working on Denny's hanger.

I think of Aunt Joyce, spending her 80th birthday on the road in her motorhome with Uncle Floyd, swimming in mountain lakes with her great grandkids.

I think of Aunt Irene, over 90, making doughnuts because she likes to eat them, and regularly traveling from state to state to visit family.

My Cousins Carden and Millie remain vitally engaged in helping their sons with their businesses, and catering to skiers at qualifying meets, enjoying life in their 90's.

Well, here are a few quotes from people who will never be OLD. To me, they exemplify the attitude of true human beings, who see themselves as creative spirits, minds, and emotions, as well as constant learners, rather than simply aging bodies.

First, Goldie Hawn, who turned 60 this year, and is enjoying living her life to the fullest, refusing to give in to others' expectations of a 'woman of her age.' She has considered the kind of grandma and mom she wants to be for her adult kids, and is living it out. She refuses to accept the mindset that a certain age requires enfeeblement, but takes care of herself in all her dimensions, maintaining control of her life.

In her book, "A Lotus Grows in the Mud," Goldie writes her ideals as to the type of mom she wants to be for her adult daughter, by reflecting on her relationship with her own mom:



"I was only guilty of what all girls do. In order to become real individuals, they don't want to to be like their mothers. But now that I have experienced the loss of my own girl child to the great seduction called life, I have true compassion for both mother and daughter in this passage. That's all it is, a passage. It isn't lasting, and, if handled well, it moves into a healthy friendship that only grows and grows. But letting go is a most important first step: letting go of roles and the power we have had all of our lives as mother and daughter; letting go, and having faith that the lessons learned will be remembered. It's not easy, but it is necessary, unless you want to be a mother who has to be "dealt with" instead of a mother who is free and fun."

Isn't that a marvelously healthy way to look at the process of children leaving our care and taking it on for themselves? Wonderful! And who of us hasn't known one of those women who become the type of mother or mother-in-law who has to be "dealt with." Shudder.


Okay, switching gears a little tiny bit, I read another quote this past weekend that resonated with me. This one from Bob Dylan, the 65 year old Legend in His Own Time, who has an insouciant 19 year old dwelling within, but who also has grown as a human being, paying attention along the way, and becoming a wise, thoughtful man, besides one of the greatest lyricists ever.

From the September 2006 "Rolling Stone" magazine comes this quote:



"I see that I could stop touring at any time, but then, I don't really feel like it right now. I think I'm in my middle years now. I've got no retirement plans."

Middle years! YES!! My sentiments exactly.

These people and more inspire me to never look at a number for who I am or what I can do!

Cheers to you all!

"He not busy being born is busy dying." -- Bob Dylan

"Some grow young, some grow cold." -- Tom Petty

Ah, the Delights of August

August is such a restful month. I don't know why. Perhaps it's just that all the craziness of the school year ending is long past and the early summer excitement is over, leaving only the quiet lull between that activity, and the coming hustle and bustle of autumn. Whatever it is, I LIKE it.

We went to another, much larger, Living History Festival here in town, at a huge old filbert orchard. (It's the same park/ranch where I took the pictures of us in the woods, down by the river, and on the old red tractor displayed in earlier blog entries.) At this festival there were union encampments, confederate encampments, and civilian encampments all nestled under the canopies of the venerated nut trees. Horses carried soldiers along the paths amidst foot soldiers and ladies in hoop skirts. Mountain men, French trappers, and green uniformed sniper units co-mingled in the vastness of the park. There were booths and demonstrations. We witnessed another Civil War reenactment. This time there were over 500 participants plus cannons and horses. It was sobering. Very well done.

Rounding out the adventure of the festival were friends we bumped into in our journey to the past. Under the shade of the trees we discussed life in those times, sharing what we knew and pondering what we didn't.

Sadly, idiot that I am, I didn't check the battery level of my camera before I left home. My picture snapping was abruptly stopped after two photos. I D I O T ! Oh well, as I always say, "More time to drink in the day without having to think about taking pictures." Yeah, okay, if it makes me feel better, right.

I did get one of Tom and Cassie riding in the shuttle bus out to the park.











As we walked toward the large field where the battle was raging, we spied this handful of Union soldiers hiding in the oak trees, waiting for action. Right after I took this picture, several of the men looked up at us, smiled, and waved.












Switching gears a little, for another August Adventure, this past weekend Cassie hosted a Halo Party here at our house. Halo is a video game which Cassie and some of her friends like to play in a large group, with two teams, all playing in the same game via X-Boxes, multiple tv's, lots of cables, and a hub. Pretty fun! The picture below shows Nick, Cassie, and Zack helping set up.









The location rotates, alternating from home to home, every few months, when it works out for everyone. This was our turn, and Cassie superbly brought it all about through careful planning and much emailing. She even easily persuaded Tom and me to grill hamburgers and provide veggies, fruit, chips, and of course, OREOS!! What a blast!


Tom and I get a kick out of listening to the kids reactions as they play. "Look out!" "AHHH, who shot me in the foot!!" "Oh MAN! I died." Sounds gruesome, but it's really fun.




You'll notice Caroline in the picture with Zack and Cassie. At eleven, and not having 'played with maps', still she managed to keep up and lasted the entire seven hours. Ten til five, with a lunch break at noon, and an afternnoon break to reconnoiter - and eat Oreos. (Cassie and Zack have Tootsie Pops in their mouths.)



It's nice that our girls are getting to the age where we start having their friends over in droves with activities beyond slumber parties. The boys did that sort of thing often and I realize now that I miss it. I really enjoy the kids' energy. And what a terrific bunch this is!


I call this group, The Couch Potatoes. Experienced players, great people.



The kid on the right, Mitch, should not have settled himself down next to the bowl of Tootsie Pops. In his excitement, he ended up eating TWENTY (count 'em, 20!) and did he have the happy jitters by the end of the day. Hopefully, he doesn't have a ginormous hole in his tooth where he lodged the suckers while he played. (You can see the Tootsie Pop stick protruding from his mouth. He's a cool kid.)

Tom Petty - "Some Grow Young, Some Grow Cold"

"I Need a Big Weekend, Kick up the Dust, Yeah a Big Weekend, If You Don't Run You Rust" ~~ Tom Petty

At 55 years old Tom Petty is in no way slowing down or growing cold. In fact, he rocked on for two hours with the Heartbreakers, no break, and sounded absolutely terrific! What a great show! We enjoyed singing our favorites with him. I think Cassie, Caroline, and I were part of only a handful in the audience who knew the words to the Traveling Wilbury's song, "Handle With Care" and we enjoyed singing along.

I don't imagine many of you reading this will even know what I'm talking about what with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, and the Traveling Wilbury's, but, we know, and we are happy to be able to add this concert to our growing list of wonderful musical expeditions.

Joe wore the shirt I bought him to wear on his England Trip, the one with the "Sell you computer, buy a guitar" and "Tom Petty Rocks" words on it. Well, a pretty blonde girl had one on, too, and she squealed, "OOOOH, we have the same shirt. Let's get a picture together!" So, Joe obligingly put his arm around her shoulders and smiled. Click! Her sister took a picture.

When people gather together with a common interest, well, you just never know what kind of fun you'll have!

Our ride home was rambunctious as we were all happy and excited.

Bed at 3 in the morning, was BLISS!

Back to work tomorrow!
--------------------

"Lost Children" - by Tom Petty

"Lord please watch over
all these lost children
born to chase the hurricane.
Please shine some light down
on those who wander
filled with hunger and pain.

Please raise the wind for
all those out sailing
on an ocean alone.
Lord shine a light on
all these lost children
far away from their home.

Lord keep an eye on
all these lost children
swept away in the wind.
Please shine some light down
on all those travelin';
lead them all home again."