Yes, yes, I picked a new template.
The black was beginning to depress me - but I loved the way it framed my photos, making them vibrant. That's why I picked it in the first place, and held onto to it for so long. This new one is - eh - different. It's lighter, not so gloomy. We'll see if it grows on me.
Upon hearing that I was going to change my template, and observing while I sampled several, Cassie kept chuckling at my heaving sighs of, "Oh THAT won't work."
She said matter-of-factly, "Yeah, you're right, They're not right for your brooding posts."
Brooding posts?!? My posts are brooding? Huh? Me?
Okay, okay, okay yeah, I admit it, sometimes I dig so deeply into my inner sanctum that the light cannot follow. Not that I am deep. No, not suggesting that. My mother says, "You think too much." I guess that's it. My brain is constantly swirling with thoughts which I try to follow, because I really do want to get to know myself and the world around me in order to change, and become less......
In high school I used to wake up every morning with a grouch on that repelled family members just fine, thank you very much. (Tom is going to smirk here because I awakened that way for several of our early married years, too - okay - okay - okay - I STILL do it sometimes.................. OKAAAYY! My 'grouch' follows me around a LOT! Sheesh. Give me a break. I'm SHARING here.)
ANYWAY, I have to repeat that the reason I started this blog was strictly for me, a place where I could chronicle some of my conceptual struggles, encouraging discoveries, life experiences, and peeves, for evaluation and memory purposes. For those reasons I keep it up.
And guess what, oh skeptics who think blogs are useless, this little exercise in bloggishness has actually begun to change my behavior for the better! In repeated perusal of said blog, for I am its biggest fan, I find that the notions imparted are sticking, and coming upfront when I need them.
For example, we watched the Grammy Awards last night and found that Tom Petty's excellent album 'Highway Companion' did not garner a trophy. This morning the girls and I were brushing our straight lovely teeth, carefully spitting into the oval sinks, when I whined, "It's too bad Tommy didn't win. Stupid Grammy people. I wonder if he's upset." Before I could even get enough foamy spit brushed up to aim and fire I realized that I myself have been blogging on about holding our contentment in our own hands, rather than expecting it to come from others. Another shining light-bulb above the head moment - here is an opportunity to practice what I've learned.
My inner voices whispered excitedly, "You know what? Tommy knows he made an outstanding album. He doesn't need to win another award for personal validation." Then, I smiled, "Wow! My own words have come to my rescue, wisdom from within." I was kind of amazed, and sort of got some foamy dribble in Cassie's hair. (I don't think she knew because I used a warm Mommy hug to close in and sneakily wipe it off.) She sweetly smiled and said, "Good for you, Mama." The desire to complain about the Grammys vanished and serenity took it's place, not because I got the spit out of Cassie's hair, but because I was able to change a negative reaction about Tommy's non-Grammy into a thoughtful, wise response which is that we don't measure our value with externals.
This episode is evidence to me that change is occurring, and that thrills me, because there are miles and miles and miles between goodness and where I now stand.
I'll still brood. I'll still grouch. I'll still blog. And every now and again, wisdom will softly alight, infusing her gentle whispers into my grateful, thirsting heart.